And… not But: The Subtle Shift That Changes Everything

​In 2018, I wrote a short piece that turned into one of the most enduring ideas I’ve carried with me through client meetings, stakeholder updates and team conversations.

It was simply this: choose 'and' instead of 'but'.

You can read the original here: LinkedIn Article – 2018
​
Seven years on, this small word swap is still one of the quickest ways to de-escalate tension, build trust and encourage collaboration.

---

The Psychology Behind It

The moment you hear “Yes, but…” something switches off. The compliment is dismissed. The feedback feels harsher. The next line feels like resistance.

Change it to “Yes, and…” and the tone softens. Now it feels like an addition rather than a contradiction. You’ve built on someone’s thought rather than brushing it aside.

It’s a trick used by negotiators, customer success teams and improv comedians – and for good reason. “And” keeps the door open. “But” suggests it’s closing.

According to Harvard Business Review, reframing language in meetings is directly linked to increased collaboration and improved decision-making (HBR: How to Get People to Collaborate When You Don’t Control Their Salary).

---

When It Matters Most

In Agency Work: Navigating Feedback Loops

Agency teams live in review mode. Internal feedback, client comments, and last-minute adjustments are part of the rhythm.

Instead of:
     “That’s a good idea, but the client won’t go for it…”
Try:
     “That’s a good idea, and we might need to position it differently for this client…”
​
It acknowledges value while moving the project forward. It avoids defensiveness, builds rapport and keeps creative sessions productive.

Freelancers and Consultants: Managing Relationships

For those working independently, tone carries weight. You’re often the strategist, the delivery team and the client liaison in one.

Using “and” instead of “but”:

• Makes feedback more digestible
• Keeps clients open to new directions
• Signals respect without diluting advice

It creates space for professionalism and partnership.

In Corporate Settings: Steering Teams Without Conflict

Internal teams can be territorial. The wrong phrasing can make a department feel shut down.

Consider:
   “Your approach works well, and we’ll need to add a data review step for compliance…”
Rather than:
   “Your approach works well, but compliance will have an issue with it…”
​
This small shift can keep meetings on track, prevent defensiveness and support collaborative leadership.

When to Avoid It

​This isn’t about dodging conflict or wrapping everything in cotton wool. There are times when a direct “but” is appropriate – when stakes are high or clarity is crucial.

The value lies in choosing your language deliberately. Use “and” to build. Use “but” when there’s a clear red line.

Final Words

​In a noisy digital world where tone gets lost and tensions rise quickly, swapping one word can be the difference between resistance and resolution.

So next time you’re replying to a comment, writing an email or reviewing a colleague’s work, pause before hitting send. That one word – and – might be the most powerful tool in your professional toolkit.

#communication #positivelanguage #feedback